~Box Five Aria~
1995
By Catt Kingsgrave-Ernstein
You're falling in love I can hear when you're speaking.
You're falling in love I can see in your eye.
You're thinking of her when you cannot be with her,
And what right have I to be wanting to die?
How can I say this is killing me?
How can I tell you I hate the whole thing?
You never were mine, so how can I lose you?
My heart has me screaming, how am I to sing?
If you knew, you would tell me that nothing is changing
You'd hold me and say that we two are the same.
But this opera's due for a change in the staging:
The new Prima Donna deserves all the fame.
How can I feel it's not over?
All I can see is I've lost my last chance.
You don't want to leave, so I can't try and stop you.
My soul has me weeping, how am I to dance?
My sweet, you are no kind of liar.
Don't think I'm afraid of deception from you
But we both know you're feeling a fire
That can't come from me, or the things I can do.
So pardon that I am pretending
That tears aren't haunting each word that I say.
I never was good writing endings,
And I can't bring myself to just push you away.
So you're filled with romance, and I know that you need it.
The joy that she brings you shines bright in your eyes.
Your soul has been trapped, and her loving has freed it;
I've no right to taint your new love with goodbyes.
But how can I watch from the audience?
How can I applaud from the wings of the play?
I've spoken the lines, and I've trodden those measures;
I've loved you, I've lost you. What else can I say?
*****
This was written when I learned that my lover was getting married. He was happy, in love with a wonderful woman, and I was happy for both of them, but there was still this little, lonely ache inside that wanted a voice. They are still together. She and I are still friends too. He and I still love each other, but now in a much safer, saner, more sibling sort of way. So there are happy endings after all, aren't there?